What you don’t know…CAN kill you?

From the other room I could hear voices, I thought the door had been closed behind me from the hospital room, but the hinge got stuck. I knew I shouldn’t be ease dropping but It was clear they didn’t know that anyone was listening. “I just don’t think it is a good idea to divulge such useless information to a patient when there are no treatment options for her.” Then I heard something that sounded like a table move and they were still talking. “It is the right thing to do” a woman’s voice insisted. “think about it this was, if she knew, don’t you think she would feel worse, it would put more pressure on her and her brain, and then maybe her condition would get worse because of that, I have decided, we are going to tell her there is no diagnosis.”  No diagnosis I thought! What didn’t they want to tell me? I bolted out of my chair and started walking quickly down the hall. I thought I would pace until they came out and asked to talk to me but my feet had something else in mind and took me straight to the door. Later that night I laid down on the bed while my mind went in a hundred directions. How could they hid patient information like that, and maybe I should have waited for the doctor to come out and see what they had to say. maybe the nurse would have said something, hinted something. Oh God I will never know, I frantically searched the room for my phone to call the hospital but by the time I got through to the operator and each extension I hung up, maybe I didn’t want to know after all, the doctor said it was useless for me to find out my condition. Was I dieing? Don’t panic don’t panic, right then I burst in to tears. What was I going to do, the scariest part was wondering if I could do anything at all. A week later I had been trying to forget about the whole indecent, brushing it off and “what if” ing it away. What if they weren’t talking about me at all. That’s when I got the letter in the mail, it was from the hospital, a bill probably. After all they don’t give a free pass for arriving intoxicated and staying overnight. “Ms. Silva” the letter read. “The results of your CT scan reviled some brain activity that we would like to take a closer look at. Please call the number below to schedule a follow up appointment at our specialist facility, Princewood Brain and Spine, 190 NJ-31, Flemington, NJ 08822. This matter is of particular urgency so please come in an speak with us as soon as possible. Doctor Kronecker.  Eh just when I forgot about this whole mess it hits me in the gut. I felt sick to my stomach, it was so much easier just ignoring the whole thing. I had this horrible feeling that something was really really wrong with me but I didn’t want to believe it. My body had a way like that, making me do things I knew I shouldn’t or wouldn’t in my right mind. I decided to set up an appointment with this “specialist” right then and there so that I didn’t forget about it later. I felt fine I kept telling myself. I am a perfectly healthy woman, never a medical issue, never allergic to anything, just that pesty little urge to listen to what I want even if it won’t do me any good, and sometimes a little harm. That’s nothing. Later that day I called my mom and told her that they noticed something at this new family doctor that I was seeing and they wanted me to see a specialist, i said it like it had no meaning. “What do you mean you are seeing a new doctor, what was wrong with your old one?” before I could answer her she asked me another question, not knowing the truth that I just spent a night in the hospital after a night out. “What did they say, tell me exactly.” “Mom why are you freaking out?, It’s probably nothing.” She wouldn’t stop with the questions, I eventually just told her I had to run and hung up. She called me back a second later and I let the phone ring until the voicemail picked up. What was she so worried about I wondered? I sank down on the coach and tried to relax. The next day was Sunday, such an unpredictable day. With the thought of my mom’s worry weighing heavy on my mind I decided to drive over to her house and surprise her with breakfast. When I got there, bagels in hand, she was still fuming from our last conversation. “Hi mom, I brought you some breakfast what are you doing today?” I asked in an uplifting, almost over zealous voice. She answered with the word, “nothing” and continued to clean. She was still mad. I tried to lighten the mood, “oh come on mom, is this still about the other day, listen it was nothing, just some tests they wanted to run on me, probably just to rack up the insurance bill.” My mom looked at me in disrepair, “Ava please sit down” What was this, I thought to myself. “listen” she said “the reason I was so anxious on the phone yesterday is because I don’t want you to see another doctor, I just want you to go back to our old family doctor, there is something I didn’t want to have to tell you.” At this point in the conversation my mind went blank and I sat up in my chair. There was no telling what my body was going to do next. Then I thought back to the dramatic thoughts from last week after the hospital. She slowly started to lay out a whole life I knew nothing about, with tears forming in her eyes, “The aneurysm that your grandmother died from. The family history.” She was talking in broken sentences. She wasn’t making anything clear, like she never even planned on having this talk with me. The whole time my eyes were in a blank stare and the next words out of her mouth were, “The aneurysm, It could rupture at any time”. She tried to let me down easy, but I wouldn’t let her finish. I got my things and stormed outside into the cold air. She yelled out from the front door, “hunny please come back!”  She must be talking about a different daughter, this couldn’t be me. How could she keep this from me, how could a doctor not tell me something as severe as this!” I was livid. Who else knew? I wanted to know more but at the same time I couldn’t stand to look at my mother. I drove straight to the hospital and demanded answers, and demanded to see the doctor from last week. He obviously knew that I knew what he was keeping from me because he took me into a room and shut the door behind us. “For fuck’s sake doctor, tell me what is happening with my brain or it will be your career.” He tried to calm me down and asked me to sit but I wouldn’t. “The reason that we did not tell you is because we did not have a diagnosis, who told you you did?” “I have an aneurysm waiting to rupture and you want me to calm down” I said frantically. “Listen Ms. Silva It said in your charts that we pulled from your family doctor that nothing was certain and that they were keeping you under close observation for a possible family history of aneurysm’s. By the time me and the nurse came out to sit down with you, you had already left the hospital” The doctor went on, “Your results from your CT scan that we ran here at the hospital were very telling, we found a possible subarachnoid hemorrhage.” This means that you have an inoperable aneurysm in your brain that my rupture in the future, we just have no idea when.” The news hit me like I smashed my car into a glass wall. My life was shattering around me and it felt like everybody knew about it but me. Was I better off this whole time not knowing, ignorant bliss they call it. That’s my choose I thought and I stormed out of the room. At home I didn’t know what to do with myself I was angry and upset and the more I thought about it the angrier I got. I poured a tall glass of wine and sat at the counter. Was I even suppose to be drinking? Who am I? What is a sub-arnoid hem-rage or whatever he called it? Fuck it, I have drank all along, why stop know. The drunker I got the more dangerous I found myself to become, at bars with the wrong types of people, saying things I wouldn’t normally say. And now I was drinking for all of the wrong reasons once again, but i justified it, I was doing it put my life on pause for a few hours. I put the stereo in my house on full blast and drowned out to a Beatles song, “Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be. There will be an answer, let it be. To be continued…

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